What Has Been Seen Cannot Be Unseen
by Xysnei
Summary: An innocent conversation between crew members about Commander Shepard's relationship with Garrus Vakarian quickly goes horribly, horribly wrong. Oneshot, crackfic, done on request. Rated M for mature stuff. FemShepxGarrus.
1. What Has Been Seen Cannot Be Unseen

**A/N: I'm getting killed for this, I swear. PURE CRACK AHEAD! Don't take this seriously!**

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The mess hall.

A nice place to sit with friends, share stories, gossip about the rest of the crew, or just to have a nice cup of coffee for those people who didn't want to stay holed-up in their rooms all day. The Normandy SR-2's mess hall was nothing but fantastic. It was a shame they hadn't gotten to enjoy it so much while hunting down the Collectors. Now that the suicide mission was over, however, most of the squad could be found sitting at the table when they didn't have to do anything important.

Like now.

Miranda sipped her coffee absent-mindedly, glancing at the various bits of data EDI had taken from the Collector base. An image of Harbinger flashed every now and then, and lines of text lit up as she selected them. Was this the key to destroying the Reapers? Hell, at least it was evidence. She put her coffee cup down, and Kelly Chambers took it upon herself once again to remind her that sitting alone in your own office was better than joining a bunch of annoying people at a small table.

"Garrus and Shepard look cute together, don't you think?"

Miranda groaned in annoyance. Nowadays, all the crew ever talked about was their commander's awkward sort-of relationship with Vakarian. She would have been lying if she said she wasn't the least bit interested in the developments of their little love affair, but repeating the same conversation over and over again was getting on her nerves.

"She's all he ever talks about," Kelly continued. "They're practically joined at the hip now. What happened between them before you passed through the Omega 4 relay?"

"I don't know the details," Kasumi said, stirring her cup of tea, "but I did see him take the elevator to her room with a bottle of champagne in his hand."

Kelly's mouth quirked upward in a warm smile. "Aww, that's so sweet!"

"I didn't know Garrus could be so…" Tali began, but the sudden hiss of the opening elevator door caused her to stop mid-sentence. Out walked Garrus and Shepard, hand in hand, no worse than usual. Even though she found the entire thing rather odd, Miranda had to admit they did fit together well.

"Garrus," Shepard said, stroking one of the turian's mandibles with the back of her hand, "I need to take care of some business. Important stuff. I'll see you in a few minutes, okay?"

"Of course, Shepard. I'll be at my usual place."

"Love you."

"I…ah…love you, too."

And they were gone again, Shepard heading for the med bay while Garrus walked into the general direction of the main battery. The crew waited until both of them were completely out of sight before continuing their conversation.

"Somebody throw me a fucking barf bag!" Jack yelled, pounding a fist on the mess hall table. "I don't think I can stomach this lovey-dovey shit any longer!"

"That was adorable." Kelly and Kasumi cooed. Miranda sighed. God, everyone on this ship was bonkers. Sure, she'd fought alongside them, and she was proud to say she'd even give her life for these people, but conversations like this weren't worth coming out of her office for.

"As I was saying," Tali said, "I didn't know Garrus could be so romantic." She turned on her omnitool to look up information on the current technical state of the Normandy's shields. "I haven't seen him this happy since he tricked me by saying he had spat in my breakfast." She paused, and other crew members looked at her with big eyes. "Oh, don't worry," she reassured them, "he didn't _really_ spit in my breakfast, he just likes to get on my nerves."

"Yeah, he seems happy …" Kelly folded her arms. "There are so many differences between them, though. Dextro-amino acids and all. I just hope it'll work out."

"Warned both Shepard and Garrus against fluid contact." Mordin joined in. "Sent them electronic relationship aid demonstration vids, ointments, oils…and condoms." The salarian reached under the table and pulled out a big box. "Was actually planning to distribute condoms to all Cerberus personnel, but research got in the way." He turned the box upside down, and a whole lot of condom packages came falling out. "But alas, cannot risk not to hand out protection while scale itch is still present on Normandy. Enjoy."

Miranda squinted her eyes at the doctor. For the first time in her life, she didn't know what to say. Was this really happening? Was she hallucinating? The real Mordin, while really nosy at times, wouldn't hand out condoms to everyone on the ship. Was this a nightmare? She hadn't slept well in the past few weeks. Maybe she'd fallen asleep in her office. She pinched her own arm. It hurt. No, she was definitely still awake.

"What. The. Fuck." Jack effectively summed up everyone's thoughts. "Doctor Frog, are you serious?!"

Mordin sniffed. He seemed offended by Jack's outburst. "Of course! Doctor-patient confidentiality sacred trust! Shepard and Garrus are already using them. First experiment huge success."

"EXPERIMENT!?" Jack laughed. "You fucking _watched _while they were fucking each other?"

Mordin was quiet for a few moments, and then finally gave a curt nod. "For science."

Oh no. No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening.

"I don't believe you," Jack said, ramming her fist down on the table once again. "I fucking don't believe you."

Mordin looked around to see if no one was watching, and then activated his omnitool. "EDI," he said, "bring up security cam vids. Yesterday, six PM forty-five, Shepard's quarters."

"Six forty-five…that's right after dinner," Miranda finally joined the conversation. "Shepard said she wanted to check the research terminal for any new upgrades. Garrus was off calibrating the ship's guns. He doesn't have her door code."

"As you wish, Professor Solus." EDI's voice rang through the mess hall. Inmediately, a large holo-screen popped up in the middle of the table, projected by Mordin's omnitool.

What she saw next made Miranda wish she'd closed her eyes.

A very naked Shepard was straddling an also very naked Garrus. Various clothes lay scattered on the floor around them, and Miranda swore she could recognize Shepard's formal dress among them. A rather entrancing techno beat played in the background, which made it seem even more like a horrible scene from a bad porn vid. She closed her eyes, and prayed to God it'd be over soon.

"_Take me, Garrus!"_ she heard Shepard scream out in ecstasy. _"Take me!"_

And that was when Miranda felt like puking in her mouth. This was horrible. This was unbelievable. Their commander, who had personally led them in their battle against the Collectors, the commander who would lead them in the battle against the Reapers, was getting the turian treatment from Garrus. On the floor. In her quarters.

"Keelah se'lai! Turn it off!" Tali screamed. "Mordin, turn it off, you bosh'tet! Keelah!"

"_Do you like it this way, Shepard?"_

"_Mmm, yes! Keep going! I'm almost there!"_

"Inventive way of using mass effect fields," Mordin commented. "Should write paper about it someday."

"Fuck this shit, I'm out of here!" Jack's voice was drowned out by Shepard's loud groans and moans, followed by an ear-deafening roar made by Garrus. "I'm coming with you!" Tali quickly joined the convict in her race for the elevator.

"_How was it for you?"_

"_Heh, it was great."_

"_I love you, Garrus."_

"_I love you, too."_

Then there was silence. Miranda opened her eyes again. The screen was gone. The only ones still sitting at the table with her were Mordin, who hurriedly returned to studying his data, and Kelly, who didn't seem all that disturbed by the whole experience.

"People!" she heard someone say behind her. She recognized the voice. It was Shepard. "What the hell is going on in here? I can hear you screaming from the med bay!"

Miranda turned to the commander, but remained silent.

"Miranda, do you have any idea?" Shepard placed a hand on the table. "And what's that huge pile of condoms doing on the table?"

"I – uh, that is – I mean…" Miranda stuttered. "I'll go to my office now, Commander. If you don't mind."

Shepard let out an audible groan. "Of course, Lawson. Crew dismissed."

And as Miranda gathered her things and made her way to her good old office, she was unsure if she'd ever look at Shepard in the same way again.

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**A/N: I feel dirty.**


	2. Bonus Scene: Joker

**A/N: Here's a little bonus for the people who added this story to their faves list. I WUV YOU GUYS/GIRLS/ALIENS/INANIMATE OBJECTS/MONOGENDERED THINGS!**

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"So…you and Garrus, huh?"

"Joker…"

"I mean, it's not like I'm not happy for you two or anything, it's just that--"

"Joker."

Shepard had picked the wrong moment to get on the bridge to talk to Joker. Apparently, the pilot had just heard about the new turn in Shepard's relationship with Garrus and was all too happy to bother her about it. She'd warned him against asking her intrusive questions, but he didn't listen. In fact, the questions had only gotten more and more personal since then.

"It's just that…a turian, Commander? That's just about as close as you can come to bestiality without it being illegal." Joker leaned back into his leather seat, his hands gripping the chair's armrests as he swiveled around to face her. "What's your next step? Getting married? Having a little mutant baby?" He shook his head and grinned. "Tell me, Shepard, are you going to call it Mutant Baby, you know, the full name, or just Mutant?"

Shepard raised a warning finger. "Don't start, Joker. You may have saved my ass back at the Collector base, but I can still put you on decaf for a year."

Joker went on as if he hadn't even heard her. "Let's just hope your kid doesn't get his father's teeth. That would turn breastfeeding into a living nightmare. And--"

"Commander Shepard and officer Vakarian are of different species, Jeff," EDI interrupted him. "It is impossible for them to have children. However, adoption is always a possibility. Would you like me to contact an adoption agency, Commander?"

"God, EDI, you too?" Shepard growled, shaking a fist at the AI's avatar. "Why is everyone laughing at me? I want to know, damn it!"

Were it not for Vrolik's Syndrome, Shepard guessed Joker would've been rolling around on the floor laughing his ass off by now. "Oh my God," he managed to say in-between laughing fits, "You mean…you don't know about that vid Mordin showed everyone yesterday? It was…" He paused, shook his head again, and used his sleeve to wipe the tears off his face. "…it was like watching a shipwreck. You want to look away, but you just can't keep your eyes off of it."

Shepard groaned. "I should go."

"Fine, have it your way." Joker turned his leather seat around to look at EDI. "I don't know if Garrus has time for you, Commander. He's calibrating the guns again. Probably wants you to wait for a bit."

"He'd damn well better have time for me. I've got some things I want to discuss with him."

"As long as you don't make me your mutant kid's godfather. The last thing I need is for some abomination to run around calling me "Uncle Joker" all day long."

"Dismissed, Joker." Shepard turned around and walked away.

"Whatever. I'd turn off your security cams in the future, though. You never know who might be watching."

"Okay, Joker. I'm curious." Shepard stepped closer to the pilot's seat again. "Show me that vid you were talking about. Now."

"Commander, I don't think it's--"

"NOW, JOKER!"

Joker sighed and rolled his eyes. "Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. Mordin recorded some really messed up stuff."

He pressed a few buttons on his console, and out popped a large holographic screen.

"_Take me, Garrus! Take me!"_

"What is--This is…" Shepard squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head a couple of times before burying it in her hands, while Joker couldn't help at the screen through his fingers. Because even though he'd never be able to unsee the grisly scene that was playing out in front of him, it was totally worth it to see Shepard speechless like this.

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**A/N: I may or may not continue this story with some random stuff. Stay tuned!**


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